if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
