You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
