You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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