At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
