allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
