don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
