too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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