wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
