Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
