Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
