I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
