how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
