I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
