ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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