I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
