I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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