Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
