had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
