If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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