I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
