is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It's official drugs can't kill me
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
