Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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