We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
