I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
