I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
