the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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