people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
