I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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