I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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