How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
