He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
