don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
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