I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
