this boner is exhausting
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Sext me about skeletons
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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