we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
