Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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