umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
