Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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