Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
