Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
