smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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