Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
