you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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