My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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