i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
