I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
