Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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