my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
