i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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