Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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