god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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